I went to Target today as part of errands. Things went fine despite a meltdown from the boy having to try on new shoes. We were almost done when I remembered that I needed a couple hair clips, as mine have been broken by a rambunctious toddler. I reached down to pull the package off of the rack and scratched myself on the plastic price tag on the front. I might have gotten two scratches.
At first, I reacted pretty well. Grabbed a wipe from the diaper bag to clean off the scratch. No big deal. Then, I thought, what if there was something on the plastic that scratched me? Used another wipe to clean off the scratch and moved on.
By the time we checked out and we got to the car, I was beginning to think too much. Someone else could have scratched themselves on that tag. That someone else could have HIV. Put those thoughts together: I'm scared I caught HIV from a plastic tag on a Target hair clip rack. Scared enough to rub hand sanitizer into the scratch several times until we got home, and then to wash my hands over and over once at home and the baby was asleep. Scared enough to Google the question: "Can I get HIV from scratching myself on a plastic tag/shelf in a store?" (No definitive answer was found.)
Before jumping to the comment section to offer reassurances to the very unintelligent or confused woman writing this (aka: me), please understand something. I am a nurse. I have a Bachelor's of Science. I have done my research. I KNOW THAT THE ODDS ARE EXTREMELY LOW. What I do not know is whether it is impossible. Thus, my brain is churning. The warning light has been activated, and there is no turning it off. I am remaining somewhat calm while the baby sleeps, which is actually pretty astounding considering Dan isn't here to make me stop googling or worrying.
The facts are being pressed up against each other in my mind as I try to come to one conclusion: I did not get HIV today. You see, if I cannot reach that conclusion, other conclusions will step in: The new baby will get HIV from me. Dan will get HIV from me, and because of his liver function he won't be able to take the anti-retroviral drugs, and therefore, will die. Then, when I'm a widow, no one will want to be with me because I have HIV. One thought process has assured me that I will now be raising two young children alone while dealing with an incurable disease that I caught at Target.
I am writing this out to try to manage my thoughts and panic. Tears are flowing, but so far the panic attack is being held at bay. What do I do now? Read a few Scriptures from my "emergency card", try not to bother Dan at work, try to sleep during the baby's nap. In time, (a day? a few hours? a week?) this panicky event will subside and be mostly forgotten. Realistically speaking, though, it won't be the last time.
Just like in my first pregnancy, my OCD is beginning to take over my thoughts and actions. My hands are cracked from washing them so much. I'm not gaining much weight because I'm so afraid of most foods. I'm nervous that many of my actions (mostly the ones involving being happy) will cause me to lose the new baby. I'm exhausted. I've tried hard to stay off the meds this time around, but I am acknowledging defeat. I need help. I surrender.
Hopefully, my doctors (different from the last pregnancy) will be encouraging and helpful. My OB seems to think that my OCD is simply keeping things organized and worrying a bit much. My GP said she could help if my OB won't. My last doctor ordered serial HIV tests for me to keep my nerves down, but I'm not sure this one will do that. I truly, truly hate being the crazy patient. Alas, here I am.
Beyond using this as a form of therapy, I am also writing this to ask for help from those who love me. If I got diagnosed with cancer/diabetes, I would ask for prayers and support. Accordingly, I am doing the same now. My body is healthy, but my mind is broken.
Please pray for me:
Pray that my medical team will be understanding and patient with me.
Pray that my body adjusts well to being back on medication.
Pray that the new baby experiences no harm from my panicking or the meds.
Pray that Dan would have strength and endurance as he walks through this with me.
Pray that I can brush off the comments of those who don't think this is real.
Pray that God will provide the "peace that surpasses all understanding" to "guard my heart."
Pray that I will have endurance to keep taking care of Dan and the little man.
